homeward, etc.

you know, the first couple of months of being back, i was a bit out of sorts, i guess you could say. i went through the whole post-living-in-a-foreign-country depression which i feel like is so frustrating. here's why i think it's so frustrating: it is intense and highly personal and, yet, everyone seems to go through it. it's strange how something that seemingly specific is so normal and common. i wish that i was the only person who was experiencing it (in a way) so that it would seem so.. i don't know.
i was reading through some random thoughts i wrote down about a year ago where i was thinking about love in a similar manner. how can something so unique and personal and transcendental happen to everyone? when i say these things out loud, i realize how proud i sound.. which probably isn't a good thing. and yet, the truth of the matter is, i do actually think these thoughts.

but all of this is beside the point. what i really wanted to do was to get on here and write about the feeling of HOME. i was speaking to a friend today about "being" versus "trying to be". i realized, not necessarily for the first time, how there are certain things in my life which have been somewhat pushed aside, which i really do love, in order to mold myself into an idea that i have of who rachel stuckey is. but that is not to say that who i am is fake. by no means. let me say it like this: if a person is a pie chart consisting of percentages, then i feel like certain interests that i have been pursuing as of late have been a bigger percentage than what they would be normally, if i did what i wanted all the time, no matter if it conformed to the idea that i have of myself. but that's not to say that all of these things wouldn't exist in this pie chart.. anyway, as i am writing this i am beginning to feel really silly a) for talking about pie charts and b) for talking like this over the INTERNET! on BLOGSPOT!.. i mean, really..

but back to home. arkansas i think, will always be associated with some element of my enjoyment of nature. now, i understand that that is rather granola sounding and i am rather nervous about saying it, but it's true and i kind of just don't care what it sounds like (that's where the whole pie chart speech ties in! hah)

and sitting here, i am realizing how complex my emotions, thoughts and connections to "home" and "roots" and arkansas and even america are. i feel like it is something completely different from something like nationalism, or patriotism. it's more understated and deep. i can't really put words to it.. maybe if i were having a conversation right now about what i am tryi8ng to say, then i could do it better; but as i am typing, it could get lengthy and i would end up losing my own interest in what i was trying to say.

welcom home to me.

ich bin nicht tot.

i am not dead, contrary to popular belief. rather, i am lazy.. buts whats the difference, eh? currently, i am taking a break from writing a paper about immigration in the european union.. interesting sometimes, boring at other times...

wow, i dont even know what to say, i feel like so much has been going on in my life recently.. summed up it could be something to the effect of the following::

vienna
prague
grilling on terraces
espresso
new friends
germish
the salzach river
school work
teasing weather
manicured gardens
disco
lots of walking
my bike
amazing müsli
pastries
london
berlin
dublin
belfast
old friends
live shows
recorded shows (fm 4!)
high places looking out at pretty places
dodging polaroid snaps
funfunfun
realizing i am young
loving being young
being sad to leave


that definitely doesnt wholly describe my life for the past couple of months, but its pretty dang close...
i am having the hardest time actually doing any sort of work because all i really want to do is spend as much time as possible with my friends here.. its really strange, because its quite similar to the end of last semester.. a bit 'anstringent'.. i dont know if thats actually how thats spelled, but it's close enough.. means exhausting- but sounds better.

basically, i feel like i have learned so much about life and love in the past few months. also, recently i have been realizing the importance of self motivated learning.. not in an academic sense, but more in a cultural sense..

i should post pictures.. but i only use film.. and film is ridiculous expensive to develope..

my brain is a bit numb right now from looking at my research notes.. i cant seem to get my head on straight.. its realls so incredibly frustrating.

i guess i will end.. but just because i cant properly think.

a promise pseudo-fulfilled.

so, i finally am posting some pictures... they are not actually of salzburg, though.. rather, they are just a few from munich. close enough, though.. i really think that munich is in my top three favorite cities ever.. ever..



so why am i eating gelato outside on the streets of munich you may ask? i have no idea. we walked past it. looked at eachother, turned around, and bought freezing gelato and ate it in the freezing cold weather. what? o yeah, it was good.



cartwheels on the streets of munich.



amber and i in a park in munich. i was reading "the seagull" at the time. it for some reason seemed very appropriate.. i have no idea why, but it did. and amber is a closet gangster.. she just doesnt know it.



so, i have alot to say, i feel like, but i think i will save it for another time..

dreams to go in the bible.

i dont know what it is about austria or europe or whatever is the cause, but i am having dreams probably every night. i havent dreamt consistently since i was in junior high, i think. i keep on trying to figure out what could be triggering all the them. maybe the food, maybe the fact that i actually have a normal sleep schedule. i dont know.. maybe its because i am content.. maybe.

these dreams range from all different scenarios, moods, etc. last night i had a dark dream about virgins and suicides.. much like the virgin suicides.. but not. i have also had an incredible amount of dreams that are really cool, too. i cant really remember much of the plots, only that i wake up with a sense of dreaming and subtle excitement.

i think the light to heavy dreams ratio is about 2-1. so thats good.

last weekend i went to munich. it was incredible. beautiful. almost indescribable.
i was walking around the enlishgartens and could not help but notice how there is such a difference, be it subtle (dont judge, i def just used the word subtle twice in about 3 lines.. i know.. shoot). the park is huge. one of the largest in germany, i believe. it has two waterfall-ed creeks that merge to and fro from each other. the grounds are kept, but not manicured. there are no playgrounds. only large spaces. when i first looked at it, i thought- wow, how boring of munich to have such an uninteresting park... its just a field..-however, my mind was soon changed. i noticed how many people where out with their dogs and children.. countless lovers holding hands that fit nicely into the scene.

but anyway, i just began to see that there was a differnt relationship with nature here. i cant even describe it, really.

anyway. munich was\is great. so are dreams.

mmmm..

spring is beginning to show up here in the lovely town of salzburg,which, i might also add, is the bike capital of europe.. everyone rides bikes,,including myself. its white and completely ghetto.. i love it.

on a more serious note, however, alot of really strange things have been happening lately.. for example:

on valentines day, there was a huge sign across the dome cathedral which said something to the effect of

ich liebe dich elisabeth: gott und aller welt verzeihen mich.
(translated: i love you, elisabeth: may God and all the world forgive me.)

it was very dark. also, last night my haus frau informed me that she and christof would be going thier separate ways.. she and alex in a flat and he and tobias and myself in the house. this morningi came into the house for lunch and saw beatrix packing with a friend.. she showed me all these cracks all over the ceiling.. there is some construction being done behind the house and all of the drilling has shaken the house to the point of cracking. a perfect time for a house to fall apart when the home inside it is doing likewise... very sad.

however, i do not want to give the impression that i live in a depressing atmosphere.. because that is simply not true. quite the contrary, actually.

next weekend i am off to munich. i met some kids from there who offered to show me around and take me to get some bavarian delicacies (which i am pretty sure consists of the famous white münchner wurst and some kind of bier.. ummm... not gonna lie, i may be ein bischen nervöus.

o yeah, on sunday i went to a football game against salzburg and prague.. of course i sat with the prague fans.. thier mascot is called the bohemians and the animal for it is a kangaroo hahaha
basically czeck kids are crazy.. i could see a huge difference culturally between the czecks and austrians.. but anyway, it was really fun.

ok, ciao.. i am still promising photos as soon as i get to some wifi and can use my own computer..

resident alien.

so, after a week of being in salzburg, i am beginning to feel a little settled. something interesting, though-- i just read this book called resident alien by clark blaise and earlier this morning i filled out mz residence papers for austria.. making me a resident alien. ironic.

i am currently in an internet cafe owned by a turkish man. communication anywhere is always a bit daunting but here its especially interesting considering that neither one of us are speaking to each other in our native tongues.

austria is beautiful. my house is 130 yrs old and is located in a quaint neighborhood which is both mildly metropolitan and old town in the atmosphere. salzburg is covered in yellow buildings.. but its not an obnoxious yellow, rather the color of home made yellow frosting. all of the buildings are pastel. this gives the citz a fairytale `stage backdrop´ feel. i was speaking with one of my professors (in germish-- a mix between enlish and german.. naturally.) and she is the one who gave me that image. she said that in the spring if you walk down the river, the city looks like a painted backdrop to a stage..

also, austrians have a reputation for being standoffish or of carrying a cold exterior. i have been warned many times about this.. not to take it personally, etc., but to be honest, i have foundit almost relieving. its nice to not have to feign a false sense of friendliness. also, it seems to make friendliness more genuine... but who knows.. my opinion of this could verz well change in the near future..

that seems to be somewhat reoccurring in mz life.

but idont want to end on that note. rather, i would like to end by saying that i am beginning to feel at home in my new home.

i should post a picture or somehting..

on arrival.

so, while i do not want to give a day by day detailed account of the next five months, i do, however want to record a few things which i have done so far.

i.e. i have arrived in germany! tomorrow i leave for austria! whaaa!

also, i am on my friend miriam´s computer and, since it is german, all of the symbols and the y and the z are flip flopped.. thus, if i say zou or mz or something like that, then i am actually trying to say my, and you... also, i will be avoiding symbols at all costs.. you know.. i never realized how much the enlish language uses the letter y. i am going to just type the natural z and zou will see what i mean...

ok, so sazing goodbze was reall dificult. i went through securitz crzing. i felt rather stupid, but i couldnt help it.

i will spare all sorts of tedious details, but lets just saz that i am having sooo much fun and i am chillin in mainz (z was properly placed just then)germany with mz friend miriam. i am verz happz, if a bit jet lagged.

also i have been picking up german better than i thought. i was super nervous about even sazing anzthing, but that seems to have gotten a little better. not much, but a little. the companz i am with has helped that.. thez are quite encouraging..

ok, well i am tired.. jet lag.

üäüäöööü(i love it that i can do that so easy)

by the way...

sooo.... thanks to scramuel, it became obvious to me that posting my address on the world wide web was probably not the smartest thing to do.. but if anyone reads this and thinks to themselves "yes, i DO want her address" then, by golly, leave a comment saying so.

p.s. i leave tomorrow. it's about a 10 hour flight.. non-freakin-stop.. omg..

ok well, i'm now going to hang out with my rad cousins..

i am in it.

and i can't really believe it. i can't believe that i gave in and am now a blog user.

that being said, i am now going to do a bit of describing about this blog. i understand that it is probably highly uncool to be describing a blog ON a blog, but, you know.. "i'm over it".

the title, "bible of dreams" is derived from a certain short story by a certain ms. sylvia plath. the story is actually called jonny panic and the bible of dreams.. its a good one and i highly recommend it. also, i should say that i hope to use this as a way to record thoughts and adventures that i have in the next 5 months or so. who knows, though.. this could be the start of a long relationship between myself and blogger.com..

i'm not really in the mood to talk about going abroad right now. i think it's because i want my last days here to be as regular and normal and mundane, even, as possible.. but it's true- i leave in three days.

i think that's all for a first entry. i am rather embarrassed that i am actually writing all of this... if this is read, i hope it's done with a bit of a grain of salt. speaking of salt- i am now going to make some guacamole.

and apparently chat with angelica via ichat.