homeward, etc.

you know, the first couple of months of being back, i was a bit out of sorts, i guess you could say. i went through the whole post-living-in-a-foreign-country depression which i feel like is so frustrating. here's why i think it's so frustrating: it is intense and highly personal and, yet, everyone seems to go through it. it's strange how something that seemingly specific is so normal and common. i wish that i was the only person who was experiencing it (in a way) so that it would seem so.. i don't know.
i was reading through some random thoughts i wrote down about a year ago where i was thinking about love in a similar manner. how can something so unique and personal and transcendental happen to everyone? when i say these things out loud, i realize how proud i sound.. which probably isn't a good thing. and yet, the truth of the matter is, i do actually think these thoughts.

but all of this is beside the point. what i really wanted to do was to get on here and write about the feeling of HOME. i was speaking to a friend today about "being" versus "trying to be". i realized, not necessarily for the first time, how there are certain things in my life which have been somewhat pushed aside, which i really do love, in order to mold myself into an idea that i have of who rachel stuckey is. but that is not to say that who i am is fake. by no means. let me say it like this: if a person is a pie chart consisting of percentages, then i feel like certain interests that i have been pursuing as of late have been a bigger percentage than what they would be normally, if i did what i wanted all the time, no matter if it conformed to the idea that i have of myself. but that's not to say that all of these things wouldn't exist in this pie chart.. anyway, as i am writing this i am beginning to feel really silly a) for talking about pie charts and b) for talking like this over the INTERNET! on BLOGSPOT!.. i mean, really..

but back to home. arkansas i think, will always be associated with some element of my enjoyment of nature. now, i understand that that is rather granola sounding and i am rather nervous about saying it, but it's true and i kind of just don't care what it sounds like (that's where the whole pie chart speech ties in! hah)

and sitting here, i am realizing how complex my emotions, thoughts and connections to "home" and "roots" and arkansas and even america are. i feel like it is something completely different from something like nationalism, or patriotism. it's more understated and deep. i can't really put words to it.. maybe if i were having a conversation right now about what i am tryi8ng to say, then i could do it better; but as i am typing, it could get lengthy and i would end up losing my own interest in what i was trying to say.

welcom home to me.